Wednesday, August 7, 2013

I do well, then I FAIL!

I have been avoiding this post for DAYS... because I am so disappointed in myself. I am sad, depressed, feel like a failure ONCE AGAIN! It is really hard for me to write this.

Sunday, July 28 I started the 10 day Advocare cleanse and I was so excited to start it again. I have had pretty good success with it before. It helped me start my weight loss again and helped me curb those cravings that I just couldn't manage to get rid of.Well, the cleanse went great for 6 days and then the weekend hit, friends came down, we went out, I drank, I ate, I let go and didn't look back. I had fun, I said "who cares?". I am sick to my stomach over it all.  

I have had a goal for YEARS... 150 and I have never reached that goal. I have come close- 158, but never made it. I always always ALWAYS slip up and go back. I want to cry as I write these words. IT is a struggle. I know I am not in the obese category or anything (even though I feel like I look in the mirror and see that)... I am overweight and have been for pretty much as long as I remember. I don't feel great in my skin. I am SO CLOSE to where I want to be and I just CAN'T get there.

Today, I went shopping with a friend of mine. She is a little 5'3", 110 lb girl. I am at 5'7" and currently 172, which is a number I haven't seen in forever. So, as she is trying on her size 0 pants, I struggled to button an 8. I was disappointed in myself. HOW DID I GET BACK HERE?! I know it isn't good to compare yourself to others. We are all shaped differently, we are all different sizes, and we are all BEAUTIFUL in our own way. It just made me sad to see how big I was compared to her and I know what I am capable of. WHY CAN'T I DO IT? Mind over matter. I need to figure out what it is that I NEED to do.

So, for lunch we went to Chili's. I ordered off the light menu and got the chicken with rice and broccoli (580 calories). I was proud. AFTER a day of shopping.... what did I do? Drank a margarita, chips and salsa/dip, quesadilla, rice and beans. REALLY?! I just tried on clothes and couldn't fit in them and still I am eating my emotions. So, as I sit here.. I am sad, bloated, disgusted, mad at myself.  I am tired of struggling, I want to feel good, I want to be healthy. I can picture it in my mind. I NEED to get there. I just hope I can.

When did you hit rock bottom? What did you do to make it better? How do you self talk to get there?

1 comment:

  1. I could have written this myself... hang in there! Don't let one or two bad meals get ya down, start over again today! We have to take this one meal/choice at a time! :)