Wednesday, May 20, 2015

A year of changes...

Wow! I can't believe it has been a whole YEAR since I have written a blog post. CRAZY! This year has definitely been that. There have been many changes in my life over the past year. I doubt I even have followers to read about it, but I love to write. I love to see it on the screen. It is almost a therapy for me.

 First and foremost, I continued counting macros until summer hit. I am a teacher and I get off all summer. I splurged. I drank. I ate. I went on vacation. I didn't work out. I wasted money on macro calculations and didn't even do it. I gained. More about that later.

Second, I found my way back to church. I was baptized. I was already baptized as a child, but the church I was attending at the time and the way I felt, I did it again. No need to harp on that. I felt good about it. I am about 80% of the way through reading the bible completely. It has always been a goal, but I have never completed it. This year I will. I am in a good place. I feel closer to God than I ever have.

 Third, I met a man. He walked right into my little school here in Port Bolivar, TX and started working here. He asked me on a date. We went. A month later, he moved in. 3 months later, he proposed and 6 months later, we were married. March 16, 2015- the day I changed my name. I am so in love with this man. At 32 today, I didn't know if God had a man for me. I didn't know what life would bring. Well, God surprised me with the most amazing man ever. He is everything I ever dreamed of and so much more. We had an elopement style wedding with just our family and my best friend. It was perfect. I don't regret not having a big wedding. It was our day. No big crowds. No distractions. I loved every moment.
Fourth, we bought a house. 11 days after out wedding, we closed on our house. It is beautiful. I love everything about it. I see us growing old there. I see us having children there. It is our forever home. :)

 And lastly, since this blog is about fitness somewhat. I have gained 20 lbs since last year. Yep, 20! I still fit in almost all my clothes. Crazy, huh? I still have moments where I looks in the mirror and feel really good about myself. I have moments where I feel really bad also. For some reason, the past few days it really hit me. I thought about being 32. I thought about all the years I have obsessed about my weight. I thought about all the times I tracked food. Denied myself something, because it might make me fat. Hated my body. Obsessed over working out. Felt bad about eating something. Eating too much because I was starting a diet on Monday. Ate more than I was hungry for because "it's ok, I already messed up. After this, I will quit.". There have been so many days where I have felt bad. So many days where I have felt deprived. Too much time measuring and tracking. Why do I do this? Because I want to be skinny.. I want to look good.. but why? God loves me no matter what. My husband loves me. My family and friends love me. Getting to a certain weight does not define who I am. It will not make me happy. I am tired. I am tired of worrying. Tired of stressing. Tired of counting. Tired of looking at myself in disgust. Tired of it all. I want to LIVE. I mean, really live. I don't think I was put on this Earth to spend my life doing this. So, I'm not. I quit. Does that mean that I am going to go crazy? NO! I am not going to go around eating cupcakes and pizza and laying on my butt. I am going to eat healthy. Eat when I am hungry. Stop when I am full. Enjoy the bites. I am going to stop looking at food as good or bad. Stop looking at it as a carb, protein, or fat. Stop looking at it as 300 calories or 80 calories. Stop thinking about carb cycling, low carb, macros, calorie counting, calorie deficit, calories in and out, blah blah blah. I am going to eat as healthy as possible. I am going to enjoy life. I am going to have something sweet here and there. I am going to eat the cookie. I am going to have the drink. I am going to workout and enjoy it. I will lift. I might run. I will be active. I will wake up with a smile on my face. I will tell myself I love myself and how beautiful I am. Simply- life is too short. This will be extremely hard for me. I can't tell you the last time I didn't worry about food or track or try the newest diet fad. I am done. DONE! Here's to a new chapter, whatever it may bring- I am ready! This may be the best gift I can give myself. Oh, and I bought a book to go with it. I love Joyce and I really do need to learn to lighten up! :) "Eat the cookie, buy the shoes!" is my new read!

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