For the Love: Chapter 1- The Worst Beam

I am always looking for a good book. Recently, a friend of mine loaned me a book that she had read. It's called "For The Love" by Jen Hatmaker. The minute I picked it up and started reading, I knew this book was for me. This author gets it. I will be writing a little about some of the things she talks about. So, moms, wives, women.... listen up- this is about to get good.

Chapter 1: Worst Beam Ever

Balance: I laugh at this. People always talk about the perfect work and home balance. Yea, try as I may- I don't have that. Sometimes, some things get put on the back burner. Sometimes, some things don't get done as well as the other things. I have accepted it. What you can do is chose the things you CAN balance and put those on the beam and then chose the things you just CAN'T EVEN and those get put off, for now. For me- cooking a good dinner, playing with my kids, time with my husband, getting a good night's rest, going to church, spending time with family- those all get put on the beam. Those are important to me. Things that get put off the beam for now: Time with friends- I love you guys, but I don't have the time and energy right now. It's not like I don't want a girl's day. I just don't have it in me. Working out every day. Again, I love to do this, but I just can't seem to fit it in consistently so for now it's off the beam and I'll do it when I can.

There is the unattainable, ridiculous standard that we all feel as moms and wives that we have to meet. We think we have to do it all and do it all well. Stop exhausting yourself. It's not worth it. God did not put us here on this Earth to be exhausted, stressed out and at the end of our rope. He wants us to have joy and peace. Stop comparing yourself to others. Don't guilt people for making choices regarding their beam. God's gifts stare you in the face every day- do you see them? Every minute that you waste is a minute you will not get back. What can you do to stop worrying about balancing everything? What can you take off the beam to make life more joyful?

Reading with purpose

I love to read... there is nothing better than a good book-whether it is on the couch with a cup of coffee, on the beach listening to the waves roll in, or just a simple quick read when I have time (this is more the norm these days with two littles at home). I love to read for enjoyment, but I also find myself reading  more with a purpose these days- a purpose to grow in Christ, to be a better wife, and to be a better mom. Here are some things I have been reading lately.

I have said it before and I will say it again- I love first5.org . It is a daily devotional and simple, but helps you to grow closer to God and learn about scripture at the same time. 

My husband and I just started this challenge. While we don't get to it every night, because kids are demanding and we both work and are tired, we do our best. It has scripture to read, prayers to say, and acts to do together. It has been great for us and helps us to really have some in depth conversation about God, life, and so much more. I highly suggest it for anyone who is married and just looking to grow together in your journey and be closer to Him.

Another great book! It really gets you thinking about how you as a mother set the tone for your household. It is easy as a mom and wife to feel overwhelmed and tired. It is easy to let the negativity come over you. This helps you realize you are alone in a lot of those feelings that people just don't talk about enough. I think there is this false sense of what mom life is like. It is not all yoga pants, trips to target and Starbucks. It is HARD work. Today when I was reading, it talked about 10 things you can do to create a home of warmth and grace. Get Rest, Time with God, Simplify Schedules, Clutter Busting, Give Up Perfection, Meal Plan, Schedule Mom Time Out, Play Music, Give Grace for Limitations, and Scripture Memory.

I try to do many of these. The ones that spoke to me most today were Give Up Perfection and Scripture Memory. I am too hard on myself and lately I have had to really take a step back and say "It is ok that the house is a little messy, we live here and it's not for show".... "It's ok if it doesn't get done today"- I am not perfect. The Scripture Memory is something I want to try and do with my family. I am going to be looking for a cute way to display a scripture every week and work on that. 

What are some books that you read for enjoyment on for a purpose? I am always looking for suggestions! 

Don’t miss out...

I have let food control me.

I have let it stop me from ordering what I really want, fearful that the person behind me in line would judge me for my order, thinking I am too fat to eat that.

I have let it keep me home in fear of going out to a party, event or whatever else and not having food that fit my diet or my macros available. 

I have let it stop me from enjoying that meal or drink or piece of cake. 

How sad is that. 

I am done doing that. 

As most of you know, I am on my postpartum journey. I am almost 2 months postpartum. I am struggling with my thyroid again (I have Hashimoto’s and hypothyroidism). I haven’t lost any weight in weeks. I have lost inches which I am happy with. I have counted calories and worked with my macros. I am also working out with Beachbody and currently doing Transform 20. I am trying to be more conscious of what I am eating and not eating junk food. 

All of that is great. It is. 

You know what is better? 

I went out to eat with family and ordered what I wanted instead of getting the high protein meal.

I ate 2 snow cones this week and got an amazing frozen coffee and felt no guilt.

I couldn’t fit what we were having for dinner for my husbands birthday into my macros today and you know what? I ate it anyways. I enjoyed a burger and had a piece of cake.

I didn’t miss out on life. Memories. Time with family.

I  also ate my feelings yesterday when my kids wouldn’t nap, I was exhausted and the day seemed it would never end. 

Does it mean I’ll gain weight? Does it mean I lost sight of my goals? 

No. 

What it means is I am human. I know I am not going to go the rest of my life without a burger. I am not going to ever permanently remove a food from my diet. I am not going to hit my calorie range or macros goal every single day. I am still going to keep going for my goal. Is that a number on the scale? A size? No. It’s when I feel healthy and fit. Comfortable in my skin. 

Right now- this is my body. This is where I am on this journey. I will embrace it and keep moving forward. I won’t feel guilty for enjoying life. 

One time a person who I love dearly told me she missed out on so much in life because of her weight and wanting to avoid going out at that size or the temptation of food. She said if she could go back again, the things she would do! Don’t be that person. Be human. Enjoy life. Just find a balance with that and your goals.

Updated pics:

The scale sucks

Today I am going to talk about something everyone tends to hate- the scale! So many people out so much emphasis on the scale when on a journey to lose weight and get fit. 

I mean seriously- who hasn’t done that? Weighed without clothes on? Took your shoes off and tried again? Lol! We all are guilty. It’s sad that we let such a meaningless number affect our outlook and how we feel about ourselves. There is no perfect number or weight. I hate BMI charts and I think they are seriously flawed. I can’t tell you how long I have been in the overweight category, even at my leanest. Everyone’s body composition is different. Don’t let those things get you down and discourage you from reaching your goals 

Here’s a visual to keep in mind:

Fat and muscle definitely look different! I suggest instead of focusing solely on the number on the scale that you: 1. Take measurements of arms, legs, hips, waist, and bust. You can compare those and see a true difference even if the scale isn’t moving. 2. Take pictures and compare. 3. Pay attention to how your clothes are fitting. 

All of these things are sure to give you a much better idea of progress than the stupid scale. 

Postpartum journey

I am 3 1/2 weeks postpartum today. It’s still early in my journey, but I feel ready to begin getting back to exercise very slowly and eating to fuel my body to be healthy and strong. Here is where I am beginning:

5/13

205.8 lbs 

Left arm 14

Right arm 13 1/2

Left leg 23

Right leg 23

Waist 44

Hips 42 1/2

My goals: 

Start walking on the treadmill and see how that goes

After I am released, start Beachbody workouts again

Eat intuitively and make sure to get lots of protein in

Don’t weigh for a month- next weigh in June 13. I will take measurements at this time also.

I think the scale has a lot to do with your attitude towards food and exercise so I am staying away. 

Give myself grace! I just had a csection and a new baby. I am trying to adjust to two kids, I will not be perfect. (I was 225 at delivery so I have lost  20 lbs)

I have contemplated doing an accountability group or diet bet! Anyone want to join me on my journey to healthy? 

Landry’s birth story— csection vs vaginal delivery

I wasn’t an active blogger when I was pregnant with Landry. I kinda got busy with life and quit. I’m glad to be back to it, because it’s an outlet for me and I did miss it. I am going to backtrack a little and talk about my pregnancy with him and the birth. I will then compare the two births and give you my honest take on vaginal vs csection birth.

So, with Landry we tried for almost a year to get pregnant. We had actually started seeing a fertility specialist when I ended up getting pregnant naturally. I am still so thankful for that experience. It was during that time I discovered I had hypothyroidism and also low progesterone. If I had not gone there, I wouldn’t have known that soon. I may have miscarried. Never know. I saw Dr. Schnell at Center of Reproductive Medicine or CORM. They are in the Houston area and Beaumont as well. I loved the people in the office, the doctors, all of it. Definitely not an experience I regret. I saw them until week 12 and then went to a regular OBGYN.

With Landry. I didn’t feel pregnant. I wasn’t sick at all. I never threw up I felt totally normal. I worked out until 38 weeks pregnant. I gained abou the same amount of weight both pregnancies. I had totally different cravings. They were just different experiences all the way around.

With that pregnancy, I rolled over in bed at 3 am and my water broke. Literally. We went into L&D. I was only a 1. My doctor started pitocin. I labored for 23 hours before Landry was born. I didn’t feel many contractions because I got an epidural at a 3-4. I had to use the peanut ball to make things move faster. I was about an hour away from having a csection. If I hadn’t had him by 24 hours of labor, they were taking me back, I barely made the cutoff. I pushed for about an hour and 45 minutes. I stayed in the hospital one night after that and I was released to go home, Other than being scared to pee, I was fine. Tired FOR SURE. So exhausted. It was all a blur. I barely remember the nurses and doctors. It was a bit overwhelming. Once home, I recovered pretty quickly.

So, the big question- vaginal or csection? Which is better? Harder?

I would say giving birth, no matter how, is not easy. Moms are superheros in my book.
Vaginal definitely takes longer in most cases.
A csection feels strange. You can tell someone is touching you but can’t feel the pain.
Epidurals work, but I felt the last pushes and it hurt like hell.
I was scared to pee after birth both times. I think that just comes with the territory.
Csection scars are no joke. I have a decent sized cut.
Recovery for a csection is longer. I was working out at 4 weeks postpartum with Landry. I never stopped doing my regular routine. This time, I have to be careful. I can’t pick up heavy things. I definitely took more pain killers for longer with my csection.

It’s really hard for me to say I prefer one over the other. Neither is fun. I just think my experience the second go around was better overall. I bonded with my doctor. I had amazing people on staff that night in L&D from the nurses to the anesthesiologists. My doctor was there and I felt super comfortable with the decisions she helped me make. I think all of that makes me lean more toward the csection. It wasn’t the horror story you hear about. I know so many women will go out of their way and go to extreme measures to avoid a csection but I don’t see any reason to do that. Whatever route you take, whatever you do to get the baby here safely and in good health- it’s worth it.

Lydia's Birth Story

Here is the crazy story of how sweet little Miss Lydia entered the world. This story is very different from my last delivery, which I will back track and do a post about soon. 

So, this was my second pregnancy. The whole pregnancy was different. I got pregnant first try, which did not happen last time. I was sick this time. I made it to my due date this time. All in all, it was just a different experience. Boy vs girl pregnancy? Maybe. I think every pregnancy is just different. 

With my son, I made it to week 39 and then he came into the world. Lydia was not coming early. I was due on Thursday, April 18 and honestly shocked when I made it to that day and went in for my 40 week appointment. My doctor is truly amazing (Dr. Patel at UTMB if you are looking for a great doctor) and she wanted to be supportive and do whatever I felt was right. She did tell me I couldn't go more than a week overdue. She gave me the option to come in that night or Sunday night or Monday.... as long as I did it soon. I was so torn. I was scared, honestly. My water broke the last time and I was still induced with Pitocin  but I have heard horror stories about inductions and I just wasn't sure. The husband and I headed for a Target run and discussed it. (Doesn't everyone go to Target when you are stressed? LOL)

Luckily, we had packed bags just in case. We started thinking about our options. We ultimately decided to go ahead and go into L & D that evening after one last good dinner. We headed to Chili's (this turned out to be a bad idea later) to have dinner with his parents and Landry before heading to the hospital. 

We arrived at the hospital and I was in the room at 7:30. We met the doctors that were on duty that night and I was hooked up to a monitor. Immediately the nurse noticed something that didn't look right. She told me the baby was having a variable in her heart rate. Her heart rate would take a dip and stay there for a minute or two and then go back up. I was also having crazy long contractions- 5-6 minutes long. I really wasn't feeling these. These drops in heart rate were happening with the contractions. This is when the doctor came in and started explaining other options to us, in case we had to go that route. I knew then that this was not going to be easy. The plan was to give me some medication to help my cervix prepare for birth, but they chose not to go that route and use the bulb to help open it up instead. That was inserted. The heart rate drops continued to happen. My doctor arrived. We discussed more options. They had to stop making me contract, so they gave me some medicine for that. Everyone was so supportive and wanted to let me know we could keep trying for a vaginal birth. My doctor knows me. She knows I can't make a decision. She knows I just need her expert advice. She was honest and told me she felt the baby would not handle the stress of labor. It could be caused by so many things. She could be holding on to the cord, the cord could be wrapped, etc. The main problem was contractions. I have to contract to be able to give birth and when I did, the heart rate dropped. It wasn't likely going to work. We began to talk about a c-section. I am not one of those moms that goes in having an elaborate birth plan. I don't get my hopes up or stress out when things don't go as planned. I just want a healthy baby at the end of it all. Whatever you have to do to make that happen, I am game for it. Tyler and I talked it over and we chose a c-section. The chances that I would endure 12, 14, 18 hours of labor and then have to have an emergency c-section in the end were high, so we chose not to wait on that and have it be a panic situation. We chose to just go ahead and opt for it. We wanted to get the baby here and not put her through anymore stress. 

As soon as the decision was made, things happened very quickly. They started prepping me for the OR. Tyler got ready. They took us down to the OR and set me up. I was given a spinal tap and it began. No more than 10 minutes after it started, at 11:16 p.m., Lydia was crying and it was over. The scary part was that the cord was not only wrapped, but wrapped THREE times around her neck. I would not have been able to deliver her without causing her stress and likely a c-section would have happened anyways. We made the right decision. 

I think of what could have happened. What if I had waited a few more days? What if I had chosen to keep trying for a vaginal birth? What if...what if... I know God was guiding us in the right direction. I am so thankful that we went that night. I am thankful that I had an amazing team of doctors and nurses that took great care of me. I am thankful Dr. Patel is so amazing! I am thankful that my baby girl is here with us, unharmed, healthy and happy. 

The worst part of my recovery to this day was throwing up that Chili's after the c-section. This was caused by the anesthesia. It was awful. If I could go back, I wouldn't have eaten. Other than that, I am on the mend. I have to take it easy and can't lift things or do much. That is hard for me to do, but I am trying. I plan to do more posts about vaginal vs c-section, the differences in my pregnancies, etc. More to come.